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Learning When to Speak

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And Knowing When to Shut Up

In our last Wisdom Note, we began to explore why it is important to learn that instead of speaking we learn to keep our mouth closed whenever possible. Each time we speak, it is a conscious choice to do so.

As we are focusing on 10 lessons that will at least help to minimize the potential negative impact that our tongues may have. Unless you are a ventriloquist it all boils down to the fact that we need to think before opening our mouths to speak. We will continue on to lesson #3 today, and for each of these lessons we need to know to say “keep your mouth shut when…”

Lesson #3 – You want to gossip.

When you want to say something negative about someone behind their back, don’t. Just don’t. There is almost never a good reason to do this. It makes you look petty, childish and mean-spirited. It might get back to the person you’re slandering. Never gossip, and if someone does something truly terrible, that will significantly harm someone or an organization, you might need to discuss it. If you are in an appropriate position, discuss it with that person privately first. If it is unresolved then discuss it with an appropriate person to decide what course of action to take.

Lesson #4 – The details of a plan or deal are not complete.

Look to that old adage “Never count your chickens before they’re hatched,” or “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” If you’re making plans for some big activity, or making a deal of some kind, never announce it until the crucial details are worked out, or the paperwork is complete. You’ll feel embarrassed or stupid if things fall through.

Lesson #5 – You’re mad or upset with a person or situation.

When someone annoys you, don’t respond right away, as you are likely to blow up and/or say something you will regret. And, you can’t take it back. A word spoken cannot be unspoken. Even if you apologize, people will not forget. You’re weak when you’re angry. Don’t act in a moment of weakness. Even if they’re wrong and you’re right, you won’t come out of it looking good.

Lesson #6 – You have had too much to drink.

While I do not drink alcohol myself, I know that most people do. It’s really hard to keep your mouth shut when you’re drunk. Even small amounts of alcohol lower inhibitions and make you far more likely to say something inappropriate. If you are drinking, be aware of how it affects you. If you are able to keep quiet after a few, do so. Or, cut yourself off before you get to the point of brutal honesty. It is hard enough to control our tongues when we are sober. Be very careful when drinking.

Lesson #7 – You’re about to ask a question that isn’t really a question.

If you are at a gathering or meeting and you feel that you just have to interject into the conversation, to tell some story from your past, or to ask a question that does not add to the conversation, be careful. So many times we try to shift the focus to ourselves, instead of allowing others to speak.

Lesson #8 – You’re about to complain.

If you are getting ready to speak, check yourself to see if you are about to complain about something. You might be thinking that it’s hot, you have too much to do, something smells, or that person is mean or stupid. All of these may be true, but keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a whiner. If you must speak, look for only positive things to speak about.

Lesson #9 – Someone else is being a jerk.

When someone else is being stupid, rude, belligerent, or an idiot in some other way, let them. Don’t call them out, get mad, insult or embarrass them. First, they could just be having a bad day, or they do not know how to handle themselves in whatever situation they’re in. Be kind, and you’re likely to diffuse things far quicker than if you react in a like manner. If the person really is just a horrible jerk, they’ve got enough to deal with in life and will eventually pay the price without your help. “Everything is its own reward.”

Lesson #10 – You’re about to talk to fill the silence.

Silence can be awkward, but there are a couple of reasons you shouldn’t necessarily rush to fill it. The first is that some people just like to think before they speak and aren’t as freaked out by pauses as others. So, when you jump in to fill the void, you’re actually cutting off their thought process. Wait a while and make sure they’re not preparing to speak.

Another reason is that, if you’re both uncomfortable with silence, sometimes you can learn a lot by letting the other person fill it. We often tend to overshare when we want to impress and overcome any sort of awkwardness. We may think that it could be perceived as our fault for not holding up our end of the conversation. This tactic is particularly useful when conducting interviews, managing meetings, or even hosting sales calls. Many a sale has been lost because the salesperson did not know when to shut up. Some people actually like periods of solace and silence in a conversation. Allow for extended periods of silence and just bask in the benefit of being with another person.

When you’re talking, you’re not listening. And listening is the most important thing you can do.

“Always remember, you cannot learn when your mouth is open.”

We have come to the end of our trail today, so I will leave you with four proverbs that deal with talking too much.

Proverbs 10:19, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.”

Proverbs 17:27, “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.”

Proverbs 17:28, “Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.”

Proverbs 21:23, “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.”

Next in our Wisdom Notes we will explore It Is the Life in Your Years That Count.

The Happiness Conundrum

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Searching for Happiness

When you search for happiness, don’t fall for the “if-then” or “when-then” traps … “I’ll be happy if I get that job,” “I’ll be happy when I get that house,” “I’ll be happy if I get that relationship,”, and so many more scenarios that we think about every day.

It’s easy to put your happiness “out there” instead of “right here.” You know what happens when you finally climb to the top of the mountain? There’s another mountain.

That’s the happiness conundrum.

The effective strategy is to enjoy the journey. Find your happy now, here, with what you’ve got, from where you are. You can choose what you focus on. Focus on the things in your life that lift you. That’s the happiness way.

Happiness doesn’t depend on what we have, but it does depend on how we feel toward what we have. We can be happy with little and miserable with much. Being happy is an attitude of mind, born of the simple determination to be happy under all outward circumstances.

Most importantly, remember that it’s the journey and the destination, and sometimes the journey is all we’ve got, so make the most of it. A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Be wise. Be happy.

Proverbs 3:18 says, “Wisdom is a tree of life to those who embrace her; happy are those who hold her tightly.”

Living an Ordinary Life in an Extraordinary Way

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In our previous Wisdom Note, we learned about living life with purpose. This week we will expand on that purpose so that we can be living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way. If you miss any of our Wisdom Notes, please go to the blog to read past newsletters.

As it is with most relationships that we foster, it is about living everyday life together. It is the routines of life that foster the trust that is so important. Within the routines of our ordinary lives, it is sometimes difficult to see how we impact others, but we do. It is important that we do not minimize that impact as all of us have the capacity to be living an ordinary life in an extraordinary way.

There are so many extraordinary stories out there about people who have overcome incredible and unimaginable odds to go on to do something even more extraordinary. I love these stories and am inspired every time I read another one.

Stories like Bethany Hamilton who had her arm bitten off by a shark while surfing is one. She went on to not only heal but to win several world titles as a professional surfboard athlete. She is referred to as the “Soul Surfer” for her strong faith commitment to God through her seeming tragedy. Another story is of Amy Purdy, who lost both her legs below the knee and a couple of internal organs due to bacterial meningitis. She too healed and went on to be a professional athlete as a pro snowboarder. Business Insider lists 15 corporate CEOs who have learning disabilities and overcame them to be successful in the corporate world.

It almost makes you feel like only the people with the really big, grand, unbelievable obstacles are the ones who can do anything extraordinary. For the rest of us, some days it feels like the biggest obstacles in life are just the mix of the daily grind. Whether that is your routine job, laundry, lawn work, dirty dishes, or playing referee between unruly kids, the mundane nature of it all is almost maddening. But, in the middle of this ordinary life, there are many extraordinary lessons of wisdom to be learned.

1. Extraordinary moments happen in ordinary times.

As we raised our five children to adulthood, our lives were a blur while we started our computer business, homeschooled the kids through high school, and were very active in our local church. Although we were very busy, probably too much so, our lives certainly created a hectic routine to our days and weeks. They grew up so fast, but within the ordinary course of our daily lives, we taught them to love God, love each other, work hard, and enjoy life. So, the moments that we shared working and traveling through life are absolutely valuable. Don’t miss the ordinary routines of life striving for something more exciting or extraordinary. Even if you can’t afford to travel much or buy things for your family, the times you invest in enjoying life together will make your ordinary life extraordinary.

2. Staying the course isn’t for the faint of heart.

Just doing what you need to do day in and day out is sometimes hard. It’s faithfulness in the little things and those decisions and choices that accumulate into a life of integrity. It’s not exciting, and no one is watching to applaud your efforts. But there is a prize at the end – the prize of a good name and a life well-lived. Rich relationships and meaningful moments all accumulate from staying the course, even when it’s boring, exhausting, and uninspiring, and you feel like throwing in the towel. Instead of throwing in the towel, pick it up, wipe the sweat off your face, dry your tears, and then stay the course and finish well.

3. Ordinary people are the ones who change the world the most.

When we think of world changers, we typically think of people who have discovered or created something that changes the way we live forever – scientific discoveries, technological breakthroughs, or cures for diseases. I would like to ask you, though…who has had the biggest impact on your life personally? Most people would say it was a family member or someone close to them, someone who was in their world and took the time to know, encourage, and love them. For me, it would be my Granny and my parents. They taught me to love, to laugh, to work hard, and to enjoy life. The people who change the world are the people who change the world, one person, at a time.

4. Experiences are better than possessions.

As a family, we love to get together and do things together. When we were raising our kids, we invested most of life together through home-schooling, working together, and being involved in church activities. Even as our children are adults, we still love to get together and invest time with our children and our grandchildren. We love to experience life together. We always have a story of the experiences that we have had. And since it’s a shared experience, retelling and thereby reliving it, is rich. As I have grown older, I care less and less about having things. I care more and more about accumulating experiences. Experiences are life-changing. Conversely, the shiny new things grow dull and lose their luster over time. Life is not about the stuff that we accumulate, but the riches of sharing life together. Scientific studies show that experiences will make you happier than any possessions, and they last longer. Within the course of your ordinary lives, create opportunities for shared experiences with the people you love. Then, talk about them long after they happened to continue to bask in the afterglow of wonderful connectedness. It is then you will realize that your lives are truly extraordinary.

Remember that the greatest things in life are not things, but the impact that we can have on the lives of others as we live our legacy each day. We have everything else that we need. As Peter wrote in his 2nd letter 2 Peter 1:3-4, “By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life. We have received all of this by coming to know him, the one who called us to himself by means of his marvelous glory and excellence. And because of his glory and excellence, he has given us great and precious promises. These are the promises that enable you to share his divine nature and escape the world’s corruption caused by human desires.”

On today’s trek, we reflected on four ways to make our ordinary life extraordinary. Life is not always easy for us, though, so next week on our Wisdom Notes we will hike a tough trail and learn 8 important life lessons along the way. Encourage your friends and family to join us on our 5-days a week podcast: Wisdom-Trek, Creating a Legacy.

As most of us continue to experience some sort of self-isolation, it does appear that the economy will slowly start to open up. This will look different for each person or family. It is important to do what is important to you, without being critical of others. Love each other and help the many people in your circle who will be impacted by these changes. Hazel, and others who are in a higher risk group, will need to be more careful, so be considerate of those who will need to continue their stay more isolated. Consider how your decisions will impact those who are more vulnerable.

Hiding Hatred

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In our previous Wisdom Note, we explored Proverbs 10:14-17. All of Proverbs give us bits of wisdom to help us live a rich and satisfying life while creating a living legacy. If you miss any of our Wisdom Notes please go to the blog to catch previous installments.

The Book of Proverbs is considered the book of wisdom. This week we will explore verses 18-22 of Chapter 10:

As we continue Proverbs Chapter 10 this week, it is important to keep in mind that our words have a huge impact on others, even when we don’t realize it. I certainly have fallen prey to this many times. This is why we should make sure to choose our words wisely and sparingly. Few people have gotten into trouble by speaking too little, but we certainly understand how easy it is to say the wrong thing when we speak too much. Many of the wisdom nuggets that we will dig for today have to do with our words.

We start with the subject of…

Hiding Hatred – Proverbs 10:18-22

Hiding hatred makes you a liar;
slandering others makes you a fool.

You might ask, how does hiding hatred make you a liar? I think we all know people that are nice to our face, but we know that they really dislike us. We may do the same thing to others. So, how do we make sure that we do not continue this habit ourselves? First, we should forgive other people. Even when someone hurts us, we should not hate that person. Instead, we should pray for them.

If we truly dislike or hate a person but are nice to them to their face, then we are liars. When we hate another person, we are really destroying and enslaving ourselves. We are controlled and trapped by our internal hatred. We need to learn to let it go and to forgive, even if they don’t ask for it or deserve it. To forgive is to set ourselves free. Christ certainly forgave us even though we did not deserve it.

Closely related to this is when we slander others. Slandering others really does make us a fool. Anyone who hears your slander will realize that they are probably the target of it when they are not around. We need to stop gossiping and talking ill about others. We should encourage and build them up.

Too much talk leads to sin.
Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.

This verse really describes most of us well. We all love to hear ourselves talk and expound on our wisdom. We give advice when none is asked for. We become an expert in areas that we have no true experience in. During many a conversation, we go on and on and on, usually about ourselves. When we don’t control our talk, inevitably it will result in saying too much, or the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person. It will lead us to sin. Contrasting that, if we learn to keep our mouths shut, especially when many others are still speaking, then we will become wise and sensible…or at least, appear that way.

The words of the godly are like sterling silver;
the heart of a fool is worthless.

As we learn to only speak when it is appropriate and only speak what is necessary at that moment, we will become more good and godly. Then when we do speak, it will have an effective influence and bring value to others, just like the value of pure silver. Contrasting that is the fool. This person prattles on so much that the quality of their speech becomes worthless due to the quantity of the speech.

The words of the godly encourage many,
but fools are destroyed by their lack of common sense.

As we learn to control the quantity and quality of our words, then they will become effective and powerful. Instead of insulting others with our speech, we will encourage others. Our words will be good and godly. On the contrasting side of that are those who speak foolishly. When you speak too much, and speak what is not appropriate, it will reveal your lack of common sense. A truly wise person with good sense does not have to speak a lot for others to realize they are wise.

The blessing of the Lord makes a person rich,
and he adds no sorrow with it.

To shift our focus a bit now, we see that our true riches do come from the Lord and are provided as blessings to us. These could be financial riches, but there is so much more in life that truly makes us rich. As Christ-followers, whether we have little or much materially, we should be rejoicing daily in all the blessings that we do have. The Lord wants us to live a rich and satisfying life – one that contains no sorrow. Choose to live abundantly today.

There are so many morsels of wisdom found in the book of Proverbs, and we are taking them slowly. As we uncover each one, let them melt within your soul in the same manner that chocolate melts in a finely made s’more. Let them permeate your thoughts and impact your life so that your living legacy will shine through for everyone to see. We will continue with a few more nuggets of wisdom from Chapter 10 in our next Wisdom Note. In addition to our Wisdom Notes, encourage your friends and family to also join us on our daily podcast – Wisdom-Trek, Creating a Legacy.

Wise People Treasure Knowledge

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In our previous Wisdom Note, we explored Proverbs 10:9-13. All of Proverbs give us bits of wisdom to help us live a rich and satisfying life while creating a living legacy. If you miss any of our Wisdom Notes please go to the blog to catch previous installments.

The Book of Proverbs is considered the book of wisdom. This week we will explore verses 14-17 of Chapter 10:

As we continue this new year, it is a good time to consume and then reflect on these short and concise nuggets of wisdom. As mentioned before, regardless of whether you consider yourself a person of faith, the common sense tidbits of wisdom found in Proverbs apply to everyone. Let’s continue as we gain wisdom, insight, and understanding with each new bite.

We become what we think about most, which is based on the type of information we allow into our minds. In order to change and improve, we must change what we think about. This requires that we remove the old thoughts and transplant good and godly knowledge into our minds. This is one of our objectives as we consider these nuggets of wisdom in Proverbs. Let their wisdom be transplanted in your minds, replacing those thoughts which are not good. That brings us to our starting point for today which is…

Wise People Treasure Knowledge – Proverbs 10:14-17

Let’s start right in digging for those wisdom nuggets in verse 14:

Wise people treasure knowledge,
but the babbling of a fool invites disaster.

If you desire to be a wise person, then you must be willing to learn, to study, and to expand your knowledge. You must seek for it as if it were a treasure. One thing that I have learned through the years is that you cannot learn when your mouth is open, unless it is to ask a question. In contrast to this is someone who is always talking, expounding on their so-called “wisdom” but actually babbling, as it is referred to in this verse. This person has a foolish concept of themselves. Since he is talking, he is unable to learn. Therefore, he will not make wise decisions in his life. This will ultimately lead to disaster and hardship.

The wealth of the rich is their fortress;
the poverty of the poor is their destruction.

In this world, there are advantages to having wealth. There is no other way to look at it. God never condemns a person for being wealthy. He just cautions us not to allow wealth to take His place in our lives. Financial success provides us with many more options in life. The analogy of a fortress here has significance. A fortress was used as a means of protection from outsiders who would like to harm a town or group of people. If we are able to accumulate wealth, we should use it to help and protect those that are in need. It will not only be a fortress for us but can also provide a place of safety to those who are in poverty. Without that assistance, those who are poor will be taken advantage of and run into destruction.

The earnings of the godly enhance their lives,
but evil people squander their money on sin.

This verse dovetails nicely into the previous one. If we are wise financially, then our lives and the lives of those we impact will be enhanced. As a wise person who is good and godly, the financial decisions that we make are based on the precepts in God’s Word. We can invest our resources into the lives of those that we impact. In contrast to this, if we are not wise with our financial decisions, it will be evident because our resources will be squandered on those activities that are not pleasing to God, nor in line with His precepts.

People who accept discipline are on the pathway to life,
but those who ignore correction will go astray.

Let me ask you this question. Do you like to be disciplined? I know I struggle with the concept of it, and you probably do also. It may be that our connotation of discipline is skewed today. To be disciplined is to become a disciple of another, who is a master. It is the basic premise of learning, of being eager and willing to improve, even when your shortcomings are pointed out. It gives you a plan and a way to improve because you know what the standard is for achievement.

When you are willing to accept discipline, then you are gaining wisdom, which puts you on the trail to becoming better. In contrast to this is the person who refuses to be disciplined or corrected. This person will end up on his own trail, which will not lead to a successful life. This person will find himself wandering without direction or a plan for his life.

There are so many morsels of wisdom found in the book of Proverbs, and we are taking them slowly. As we uncover each one, let them melt within your soul in the same manner that chocolate melts in a finely made s’more. Let them permeate your thoughts and impact your life so that your living legacy will shine through for everyone to see. We will continue with a few more nuggets of wisdom from Chapter 10 in our next note. In addition to our weekly Wisdom Notes, encourage your friends and family to also join us on our daily podcast – Wisdom-Trek, Creating a Legacy.