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Learn to Shut Up – Part 2

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In our previous Wisdom Note, we began to explore why it is important to learn that instead of speaking we need learn to keep our mouth closed whenever possible. Each time we speak, it is a conscious choice to do so.

We are focusing on 10 lessons that will at least help to minimize the potential negative impact that our tongues may have. Unless you are a ventriloquist it all boils down to the fact that we need to think before opening our mouths to speak. We will continue on to lesson #3 in this note, and for each of these lessons we need to know to say “keep your mouth shut when…”

Lesson #3 – You want to gossip.

When you want to say something negative about someone behind their back, don’t. Just don’t. There is almost never a good reason to do this. It makes you look petty, childish, and mean-spirited. It might get back to the person you’re slandering. Never gossip, and if someone does something truly terrible, that will significantly harm someone or an organization, you might need to discuss it. If you are in an appropriate position, discuss it with that person privately first. If it is unresolved then discuss it with an appropriate person to decide what course of action to take.

Lesson #4 – The details of a plan or deal are not complete.

Look to that old adage “Never count your chickens before they’re hatched,” or “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.” If you’re making plans for some big activity or making a deal of some kind, never announce it until the crucial details are worked out or the paperwork is complete. You’ll feel embarrassed or stupid if things fall through.

Lesson #5 – You’re mad or upset with a person or situation.

When someone annoys you, don’t respond right away, as you are likely to blow up and/or say something you will regret. And, you can’t take it back. A word spoken cannot be unspoken. Even if you apologize, people will not forget. You’re weak when you’re angry. Don’t act in a moment of weakness. Even if they’re wrong and you’re right, you won’t come out of it looking good.

Lesson #6 – You have had too much to drink.

While I do not drink alcohol myself, I know that most people do. It’s really hard to keep your mouth shut when you’re drunk. Even small amounts of alcohol lower inhibitions and make you far more likely to say something inappropriate. If you are drinking, be aware of how it affects you. If you are able to keep quiet after a few, do so. Or, cut yourself off before you get to the point of brutal honesty. It is hard enough to control our tongues when we are sober. Be very careful when drinking.

Lesson #7 – You’re about to ask a question that isn’t really a question.

If you are at a gathering or meeting and you feel that you just have to interject into the conversation, to tell some story from your past, or to ask a question that does not add to the conversation, be careful. So many times we try to shift the focus to ourselves, instead of allowing others to speak.

Lesson #8 – You’re about to complain.

If you are getting ready to speak, check yourself to see if you are about to complain about something. You might be thinking that it’s hot, you have too much to do, something smells, or that person is mean or stupid. All of these may be true, but keep it to yourself. Nobody likes a whiner. If you must speak, look for only positive things to speak about.

Lesson #9 – Someone else is being a jerk.

When someone else is being stupid, rude, belligerent, or an idiot in some other way, let them. Don’t call them out, get mad, insult, or embarrass them. First, they could just be having a bad day, or they do not know how to handle themselves in whatever situation they’re in. Be kind, and you’re likely to diffuse things far quicker than if you react in a like manner. If the person really is just a horrible jerk, they’ve got enough to deal with in life and will eventually pay the price without your help. “Everything is its own reward.”

Lesson #10 – You’re about to talk to fill the silence.

Silence can be awkward, but there are a couple of reasons you shouldn’t necessarily rush to fill it. The first is that some people just like to think before they speak and aren’t as freaked out by pauses as others. So, when you jump in to fill the void, you’re actually cutting off their thought process. Wait a while and make sure they’re not preparing to speak. Another reason is that if you’re both uncomfortable with silence, sometimes you can learn a lot by letting the other person fill it. We often tend to overshare when we want to impress and overcome any sort of awkwardness. We may think that it could be perceived as our fault for not holding up our end of the conversation. This tactic is particularly useful when conducting interviews, managing meetings, or even hosting sales calls. Many a sale has been lost because the salesperson did not know when to shut up. Some people actually like periods of solace and silence in a conversation. Allow for extended periods of silence and just bask in the benefit of being with another person.

When you’re talking, you’re not listening. And listening is the most important thing you can do. Always remember, you cannot learn when your mouth is open.

We have come to the end of our trail today, so I will leave you with four proverbs that deal with talking too much.

Proverbs 10:19, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut.”

Proverbs 17:27, “A truly wise person uses few words; a person with understanding is even-tempered.”

Proverbs 17:28, “Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent.”

Proverbs 21:23, “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.”

Dealing with Stress

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Learning to Deal with Stress Productively

We all have stress in our lives stemming from a myriad of reasons and situations. Some of the stress is self-imposed, while some of it is from external situations and circumstances.

I am certainly not immune to stress although my stress is usually not visible externally. I do find that as I grow in wisdom and maturity that I am better able to manage stress. I am trying to understand and put into practice the ability to relax when I have a situation that is not within my control. This practice then frees up my energies to focus on those situations that are within my control. My problem is delineating when it is under my control and when it is not, as I tend to want to control everything. Another aspect of stress that is hard to come to grips with is that stress is usually caused by our own selfishness. Life is not going as we expect, and we don’t like it.

One good way to look at stress is to ask yourself, “Will this really matter next week, next month, next year or ten years from now?” Another question that we need to consider is…

“If you knew that you only had 6 months to live, would you be stressing over this issue?”

We need to come to grips with the fact that there are no guarantees in life. I understand that planning and preparation are important. But let us strive to focus on those areas that are most important, like gaining wisdom and insight while creating your living legacy each day. Or, as Bob Marley put it, “Don’t worry. Be happy.”

So, on our Wisdom Note today, let’s look at some of the causes of and cures for stress. Just as it can be stressful on a hike when we become lost or when we spot mountain lions or bears, many issues can cause us stress.

Stress can also be caused by carrying small burdens for too long. Let’s use the analogy of a glass of water, which weighs slightly more than ½ pound. Do you think you could hold that glass of water out with your arm extended to the side? Most of us could easily do that.

The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If you hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If you hold it for an hour, you’ll have an ache in your right arm. If you hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer you hold it, the heavier it becomes. That’s the way it is with stress management. If you carry your burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, you won’t be able to carry on.

As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When you’re refreshed, you can carry on with the burden.

So, before you settle in for tonight, put the burden of work or the day’s activities down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.

It is well known that too much stress is a “killer.” Writing in Eternity magazine some time ago, Fred Stansberry warned about “stress-related diseases such as cancer, arthritis, heart and respiratory diseases, migraines, allergies and a host of other psychological and physiological dysfunctions which are increasing at an alarming rate in our Western culture.”

Stress is pretty much common to us all in today’s pressure-cooker world. It is our responsibility, however, to do what we can to lessen the stress factors in our life wherever possible. To do this, the following 9 tips can help.

  1. Know what your limit is and limit yourself to what you can handle.
  2. With stress comes pent-up feelings. Learn how to express these creatively, calmly, and completely.
  3. Accept the fact that some things can’t be changed.
  4. Limit major life changes to as few as possible in any one year.
  5. Resolve all resentments immediately. Don’t carry grudges or burdens, as they will weigh you down.
  6. Make time for rest and relaxation, and make sure you get sufficient sleep.
  7. Watch your diet and eating habits. Eat healthy and smart. Don’t overeat.
  8. Maintain a regular physical exercise program.
  9. Ultimately, however, learn to trust your life to God in all circumstances.

Never underestimate a good long walk away from the fray. Put the analogy of life being a trek into practice. When stress mounts, if you are physically able, get out in nature and enjoy the solitude or appreciate the companionship of your spouse or a close friend. Just relax.

Think about the question, “How did Jesus handle stress?” Christ often went to a place of solitude during His ministry, sometimes by himself and other times with a few of his close friends.

Mark 1:35 – “Before daybreak the next morning, Jesus got up and went out to an isolated place to pray.”

Mark 3:13 – “Afterward Jesus went up on a mountain and called out the ones he wanted to go with him. And they came to him.”

Mark 7:17 – “Then Jesus went into a house to get away from the crowd, and his disciples asked him what he meant by the parable he had just used.”

Luke 5:16 – “But Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer.”

Stress is the opposite of peace. With peace comes thankfulness. Even if our stress is self-inflicted, God will provide us the strength that we need when we need it.

Colossians 3:15 – “And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.”

1 Thessalonians 5:18 – “Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” And that means even for stressful situations.

Think and Grow Wise

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Grow in Wisdom

Another week has come and gone, and we are continuing to conquer our giants as I wrote about in our previous Wisdom Note. I am thankful for all the experiences and opportunities that God has weaved into my life. Even the very difficult one’s life Hazel’s diagnosis of Leukemia. Yes, it is overwhelming at times (okay, most of the time), but it is through the challenging times of daily life that we gain and grow in wisdom. Wisdom is obtained through years of proper thinking and experience. That is why today’s Wisdom Notes is titled “Think and Grow Wise.”

As we continue our trek of life each day, consider this: To become a wise person, you need to gain accurate, perceptive insights into human behavior and understand how this is integrated into everyday situations. You need to practice what Christ’s half-brother James wrote in his letter in Chapter 1, verses 19 and 20, “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.” You will need to be observers of human nature and master psychologists with excellent emotional intelligence.

You have to be willing to learn from real life experiences, not just academic study. This may mean that you keep what you know to yourself but are willing to share what you know with certain individuals that are ready to think and learn.

You need to have discernment and give advice to open-minded learners. If you desire to become wise, you will learn the talent of asking questions that lead to new understanding. This practice will bring a consciousness to yourself to communicate what you know when the situation is right and with those who are ready and willing to learn.

If you are to become wise you need to think about what you do and don’t do. You need to have a strong inner frame reference built on your integrity for your actions and statements. You need to learn to “read” situations well and understand others accurately to see through the obvious and to trust your intuition.

You will need to think through life issues and gain a sense of the hidden motives behind the actions of others. This practice will allow you to become less vulnerable to cons, threats, criticism, and manipulation. If you are able to learn this trait, then you can handle pressure and threats with humor. You will be able to remain stable and sustain self-control in times of turmoil. You will desire and expect things to work well. This will allow you to feel optimistic and self-confident when coping with rough situations.

A valuable way to understand this wisdom is to define what it is not. What is the opposite of wisdom? Here are 8 things that show a lack of wisdom:

  1. Speak or act in stupid ways, and then blame others for what happens.
  2. Speak or act in ways that cause difficulties for people or groups important to you.
  3. Speak or act in ways that lead to an unnecessary loss.
  4. Not learn from mistakes and make the same mistakes.
  5. Be out of touch with what is happening.
  6. Be bitter about the past and cynical about the future.
  7. Be outspoken about what others are doing wrong.
  8. Act in ways contrary to one’s stated values and goals, and not realize it.

How do you acquire wisdom? Here are four practical, yet simple ways:

  1. Develop life-long, child-like curiosity and a playful spirit.
  2. Be happy rather than hostile, no matter how badly life has treated you.
  3. Ask questions, explore, and desire to know how things work.
  4. Learn valuable lessons from difficult experiences.

Gaining wisdom can be defined as a three-part process:

  1. Gaining information or the raw data is the first step. Look for the kind of data you can find in books, in the research, on the internet.
  2. Knowledge through thinking is knowing or learning how to apply the information gathered.
  3. True wisdom is knowing when and under what circumstances the information and the knowledge are appropriate, or useful, or even true. And when and how and even whether to apply the knowledge you have gained.

I believe that personal wisdom begins with knowing who—and whose—we are, which allows us to live by a value system consistent with that understanding. Through this, we are able to see and appreciate, the unique gifts that God has given us. These are our personality traits, opportunities, and abilities to impact the lives of others. Appreciation is an integral part of wisdom, for we know that wisdom does not come to us naturally. It must be cultivated and nurtured through proper thinking.

If you desire a blueprint for becoming wise, one of the best ways is to study the book of Proverbs. In Chapter 1 it lays out the plan in verses 2-7,

“Their purpose is to teach people wisdom and discipline,
to help them understand the insights of the wise.
Their purpose is to teach people to live disciplined and successful lives,
to help them do what is right, just, and fair.

These proverbs will give insight to the simple,
knowledge and discernment to the young.

Let the wise listen to these proverbs and become even wiser.
Let those with understanding receive guidance
by exploring the meaning in these proverbs and parables,
the words of the wise and their riddles.

Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true knowledge,
but fools despise wisdom and discipline.”

Part of growing wise is to realize that events happen in our lives that we will never fully understand . As with our granddaughter Hazel and her leukemia, we don’t understand why, but we do have faith that God will work His will through this challenge. May it all draw us closer to God and help to conform each of us as His image bearers. While she is responding well to her treatments and the doctors are encouraged with her progress, the chemo treatments are starting to take their expected toll on her little body. I would appreciate continued prayers for Hazel and her family.

#basilforhazel
basilforhazel.org

Moving Toward Success

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Turning Failure Into Success – Steps 16-20

This week in our Wisdom Note, we continue to explore the 25 steps needed to turn failure into success. As mentioned, obstacles and failures, if handled wisely, can become our stepping stones for a successful life trek.

As we continue today with stepping stones 16-20, we will traverse life’s trails before us. As we continue our trek, we will look at the benefits that failures bring into our lives. Imagine as we hike up the trail we see a thick covering of dark clouds. Those are the failures that we experience in life. As we look at those failures for what they are, we will start to see the sunbeams piercing through them shining a light on an otherwise dark trail. The more we realize and understand what we have learned from failures, the brighter our day will become until the clouds are insignificant by comparison. Some clouds may remain, just as the consequences of our failures do, but they do not need to control our lives.

You are not a loser unless you accept the failure as final. Failure is the catalyst that allows us to make positive changes in our lives, and that allows us to move on to something different, maybe even bigger and better. Failure pushes us just a little bit closer to inevitable success, for in failure, we learn what won’t work or what more needs to be done. Only when you quit trying is it real failure since you give up hope of ever doing anything “right.” Keep in mind that it doesn’t matter how fast you run. What matters is how long you run. There may be many instances that knock you down on your journey; what makes you a winner is your ability to stand up and run again. “Never lose on your way; you are not a loser unless you accept it.”

Stepping Stone #16 – Never look at failure as final.

It depends on how quickly you learn from failures. The consequences of failure are determined by how quickly you learn, how quickly you grow, and how fast you transform yourself into a new person, into a wonderful reflection of the beautiful creation you are. If you don’t allow yourself to grow and to learn from your failures, you’re doing a great disservice to yourself and to those people that you impact who deserve to have you be the wonderful person you have the capability of becoming. “No matter how you fall, just think how to get up fast.”

Stepping Stone #17 – Learn quickly from your failures.

Have positive attitudes toward challenges. Look at failures and shortcomings in your life as refinement, as you move on and become a beautiful example of what you can be. And remember, failure is not the absence of success; failure is a step toward success. “Your attitude toward your challenges is the key to your happy life.”

Stepping Stone #18 – Have a positive attitude even in failures.

Failures teach us to welcome changes. Change happens whether we want it to or not. We need to welcome change and find ways to turn the unexpected failures into an opportunity for growth. Don’t become frightened and simply react, instead take action. How we handle the inevitable changes in life is key to living a life without fear. “When life takes a U-turn towards failure, make the changes needed to turn towards success.”

Stepping Stone #19 – Welcome the changes that failure provides.

Failures teach us to be strong. Turning failure into success may not happen overnight. Realize that your spirit, mind, and body are all working together toward success. Doing so will help you stay focused and, in the end, become successful. Picture yourself in the best case scenario after you have succeeded in meeting this challenge. Believe it can happen. “Always be strong, even when you are weak because only the strong ones find strength in themselves.”

Stepping Stone #20 – Failure teaches us to be strong.

Our practical lesson from the Bible today is a very interesting story. Let’s set the scene taken from Judges 6;1, “The Israelites did evil in the Lord’s sight. So the Lord handed them over to the Midianites for seven years.” So in other words, the Israelites had failed in keeping God’s commands not to worship other God’s. To shorten the story a bit, the Midianites were whooping up on the Israelites. They stole their crops, sheep, goats, cattle, and donkeys. They found themselves hiding out in caves.

Finally the Israelites realized that this was not fun, and verses 7-8 say, “When they cried out to the Lord because of Midian, the Lord sent a prophet to the Israelites.” We pick up the story in verses 11-16, “Then the angel of the Lord came and sat beneath the great tree at Ophrah, which belonged to Joash of the clan of Abiezer. Gideon son of Joash was threshing wheat at the bottom of a winepress to hide the grain from the Midianites. The angel of the Lord appeared to him and said, ‘Mighty hero, the Lord is with you!’

‘Sir, Gideon replied, ‘if the Lord is with us, why has all this happened to us? And where are all the miracles our ancestors told us about?’ Didn’t they say, ‘The Lord brought us up out of Egypt?’ But now the Lord has abandoned us and handed us over to the Midianites.’

Then the Lord turned to him and said, ‘Go with the strength you have, and rescue Israel from the Midianites. I am sending you!’

‘But Lord,’ Gideon replied, ‘how can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest in the whole tribe of Manasseh, and I am the least in my entire family!’

The Lord said to him, ‘I will be with you. And you will destroy the Midianites as if you were fighting against one man.'”

So we see in today’s story when we are in the middle of hardships and failures, it is difficult to see how we are going to recover, especially if we feel we have to do it all on our own. Like Gideon, when failure strikes us, we may feel weak and inadequate to overcome the issues. We need to draw on our own strength at times, but we must never lose site of the fact that we can and should draw on the strength of others to help us through difficult periods and times where we have failed. Certainly, as a follower of Christ and one who adheres to the teachings of the Scriptures, I also draw on the strength that God provides for my life.

In next week’s Wisdom Note, we will continue to build on the story that will show how Gideon was able to overcome not only his own failures but the failure of an entire nation.

Overcoming Obstacles to Success

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Turning Failure Into Success – Steps 1-5

Obstacles and failures, if applied correctly, can actually become our stepping stones for a successful life trek. Obstacles and failures in life are always more significant when they are our failures. From my perspective, all of my failures are major failures. This reminds me of the saying, “Minor surgery is when it performed on someone else; major surgery is when it is performed on me.” The same concept also applies to obstacles and failures.

This week we will look at the first five lessons we can learn by turning those failures or obstacles into stepping stones.

Always look for the positive side of the obstacle or failure. It’s easy to blame someone or something else (or even fate) for the events in our lives, but it takes courage to be able to see the bright side of a failure and move on. So be brave, be persistent, and be dedicated. Be committed, confident, and passionate; remember you have only one life to choose from. It takes time and focus to overcome fear and gain a positive mindset. The first lesson is to consciously maintain a positive attitude. If you do this, no matter what you encounter, you’ll be able to see the lessons of the experience and continue to push forward.

Stepping Stone #1 – Take courage and be positive.

Failure is a time for celebration. Failing is never fun, but if you celebrate the fact that you have gained knowledge, wisdom, and discernment then the failure has served a useful purpose. The trail to success is littered with the failures of those individuals who chose to celebrate the opportunity that each failure provided. The most significant breakthroughs in all areas of life were built on the backs of failure. Whether it was Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Edison, Walt Disney, or a host of others, their celebration of failure, spurred them onto success. Ralph Heath states, “One of the biggest secrets to success is operating inside your strength zone but outside of your comfort zone.”

Stepping Stone #2 – Celebrate the wisdom gained.

Failure teaches us to calculate the risks we take. When we fail, we can analyze the risk that we had to take and readjust the process. Risk may not be eliminated, but we will better know what risk not to take and be better prepared. The risks you take should be calculated; you shouldn’t fly blindly into the night and simply hope for the best. Achieving the next milestone on your trek requires calculated risk along with preparation, practice, and some awareness of your skills and talents. “To reach any worthy milestone, you must take risks.”

Stepping Stone #3 – Take calculated risks.

Failure will draw out negative opinions from others. Be prepared to hear from individuals that will gladly share their negative opinions and doubts about your plans and may try to persuade you to give up before you achieve success. Do not listen to this type of advice, but seek out only those individuals who are wise, experienced, and able to provide honest and productive advice – even if you don’t agree what they have to say. Some of those individuals may not see the potential until you succeed. When you do succeed, they will no longer see the barriers, they will want to know how you did it. Pauline Estrem once said, “To achieve the greatest success, you have to embrace the prospect of failure.”

Stepping Stone #4 – Accept only wise advice.

People who fail often grow as leaders. We are all leaders in some aspect or realm of life. To become a natural leader you can’t be afraid to do, then re-do, and re-do again if necessary. You do not wait for the trail to be smooth and free of obstacles. You are looking forward, up the trail, and are willing to take calculated risks. You embrace the journey of a life that would make life better for yourself and others. You are perfectly willing to slip and stumble at times in order to advance. You take responsibility for your failures and learn from it. You have a passion for what you do and improve upon your failures and persist until you make a success of it. Thomas Edison put it well when he said, “The sweetest victory is the one that’s most difficult.” The one that requires you to reach down deep inside, to struggle with every step you take, to be willing to traverse the most precarious trails without knowing what the path may be like once you reach the next mountain top.

Stepping Stone #5 –Growth comes during times of difficulty.

As we consider how failure can lead us to success this week, I will relate a story from one of the most successful leaders ever who also failed many times, but learned wisdom and great success.

Let’s look at the story of Moses and his father-in-law Jethro. This story can be found in Exodus 18. Let’s explore verses 13-18, “The next day, Moses took his seat to hear the people’s disputes against each other. They waited before him from morning till evening.

When Moses’ father-in-law saw all that Moses was doing for the people, he asked, ‘What are you really accomplishing here? Why are you trying to do all this alone while everyone stands around you from morning till evening?’

Moses replied, ‘Because the people come to me to get a ruling from God. When a dispute arises, they come to me, and I am the one who settles the case between the quarreling parties. I inform the people of God’s decrees and give them his instructions.’

‘This is not good!’ Moses’ father-in-law exclaimed. ‘You’re going to wear yourself out—and the people, too. This job is too heavy a burden for you to handle all by yourself.'”

In other words, Jethro was letting Moses know, that in this situation, he was failing at his tasks, but by learning from his advice, he could achieve success. We will continue this story in next week’s Wisdom Notes to see what advice Jethro gave to his son-in-law Moses, as we look at five more ways we can turn failure into success.

Next week we will explore Stepping Stones 6-10 on our journey to turn failure into success.